I remember in 2015 when I did a year long initiation into the feminine with Jewels Wingfield, the way she named that the ‘pre menstrual times of our cycles as women’ is the time when we are the closest to ourselves. The time of truths revealed.
As uncomfortable as it might be, once we know how to ride those truths, they are fast track to our core. They have been such a huge teacher. Like a merciless crone clarity waiting for me every month. Ouch…
Let me share this month’s harvest of the parts in me that rise as I’m alone.
I am coming home after few months running events and travelling. Subconscious truths are waiting for me. As I leave in the corridor my costumes of space holder, traveller, successful and social person, as I am alone by myself, I feel subconscious fears rising in me. I take a note pad and tissues. I feel, I cry, I track, I make a list, a map. I choose to not distract.
– There is a part who is scared to slow down, to not achieve and stay alone in my far away farm because she is scared that we will be forgotten and that nobody will come to us, TO NOT EXIST FOR OTHERS. Nothing will happen if we don’t make things happen. She is scared also to be no one, to not be important and so to not really BELONG or exist.
– There is a part of me who is scared of STAGNATION; she is scared to see me in the same place or doing the same thing in my creative process, in my work, in my house, my garden, in my love life. It feels a failure for her. She fears so poignantly that we will get stuck forever. That a truth will be revealed that we are actually incapable to move forward. That we have never been. That this is our destiny. All the rest was a false show.
– There is a part that is scared to choose and fully COMMIT to one path because she is viscerally scared to lose others and so to lose freedom. She is committed to freedom and scatters herself everywhere.
– There is a part that is scared of the time passing. For her a year is too short. Like a box that she can not fit in and she just doesn’t know what to do with it so she denies it all on the surface. In the depth of me she is shaking and feels out of CONTROL. Following the Voice Dialogue process I make a list of the qualities that I tend to want to identify in this situation. These are what we call the ‘ PRIMARY SELVES’, see in capitals below. I then added the polarity, my ‘DISOWNED SELVES’, with the fears they carry:PRIMARY SELVES >< Disowned selves (and their fears)
– ACHIEVER >< Being without purpose (fear of not existing for others)
– BEING IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL >< Not being special (fear of not belonging, shame)
– CREATING ANEW >< Same old situation (fear of stagnation)
– DO EVERYTHING, CONTROL >< Simplifying, choosing, committing (fear of mistake, loss of freedom and so agency)
– RACE, TIME IS PASSING >< Time is eternal (fear of loss of control and death)
When I read just the list of my ‘ Primary Selves’ IN CAPITALS I am struck to see the shining qualities of a distorted patriarchal society…
Here I am, facing myself with this truth. I see how if I don’t pay close attention to the parts of me who holds fear, my drive, achiever, passion become bullies instead of allies. I see where I replicate inside of my ‘Inner Village’, what happens in the society ;the exile of the wounded parts, of the feminine, of nature’s pace, and the deny of death.
This map brings clarity. I feel a release in my system, a recognition and a new understanding. Now that I have identified the different parts and some of their dynamics, I have a more direct access to the parts that are holding fears. In my system here, they are young inner children who got frightened at some point and got stuck in those feelings. I can start now tending to them. To do this I am noticing the way I am experiencing them; which sensations, what is their posture, what are the thoughts, desires, sense of age, memories, etc. I stay with the emotions arising, I listen and make space for what is coming up.
This process bring the connection that this part did not received at the time and so got stuck in an emotional feeling. Maybe some other parts might have been criticising them also for their feelings, which would have just amplified the emotion and stress. Now, with connection and validation, the part can start to heal, to feel validated and so to reveal their uniqueness and gifts. I make a point to check how they are feeling regularly in my meditation practice or daily life, sitting with the way they feel without judging.
In the process I notice that some sensations can feel really strange and unusual and I see how my system wants to turn away instinctually, automatically. But as I practice staying longer each time, I feel new spaces opening in me. There is a gravity, a humbleness. I don’t feel I need to run anymore. There is a sense of connection, of warm aching, of home coming.
How is this reading affecting you ? Do you long to be able to track and tend to yourself with more clarity and efficiency ?
Picture Credit: Sculpture unknown artist